Friday Verse

Confessions
by Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Don't pity me:
I was too lazy to walk
up the stairs
to tuck her in at night.

When I brushed her hair
I pulled hard
on purpose.

And always --
the sharp,
plaintive edge
on the rim
of the spoon
of my giving.

Where to start...

Ark. officer Tasers girl who resisted bedtime shower

Is this about:

1) crappy parenting?

2) overzealous police and their toys?

3) slow crime happenin's in Arkansas?

There's just so much to work with, it kind of makes me sick.

I hope they have a lot of mental health professionals there because there are plenty of heads to be examined all around.

Sheesh.

Wednesday Day Book

For Today ~ November 18, 2009

Outside my window... sunny and cold.

I am thinking... that this is the time of year when I start to feel like I'm living in a blender.

I am thankful for... agreeable (most of the time) children.

From the kitchen... orzo, calamata olives, roasted red peppers, feta, red onion, white vinegar.

I am wearing... black high heeled boots, cranberry skirt, black (maternity... shhhh) twin set.

I am reading... The Beck Diet Solution (here we go again) so I don't have to wear maternity tops anymore (although I do wear them well and you probably wouldn't even know they were maternity tops if I didn't say anything so let's just forget I mentioned it, mmkay?). For fun, The Star of the Sea by Joseph O'Connor.

In my ears... John O'Donohue, Spycast, and the BBC History Magazine.

I am hoping... that I can keep my anxiety about work at bay and that I bake the 4 dozen cookies in time that agreed to make for Owen & Nora's teachers (why did I sign up for this? what is wrong with me?).

I am creating... space.

I am hearing... my printer cranking out a 150 page report.

Around the house... I brought all of the Halloween candy into work because Patrick was jonesing a little too hard for it.

One of my favorite things... Bumble Bee Thai flavored tuna. Now I know how my cat feels when she gets the soft food.

A few plans for the rest of the week... parent-teacher conferences, a haircut (me), a 3 year old's birthday party, book fair night at the elementary school, open house in Owen's classroom, lunch with a friend.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

















One year old Owen in our old apartment. Sheesh... what a sweet face.



From The Simple Woman.

Empty

I was 13. I can't remember where we were -- Michigan? Wisconsin? Ohio? -- but my best friend and I stood hitchhiking on the side of a highway in the sun. We were about two weeks into running away. A kind trucker (most are, I've found) picked us up and asked if we were hungry. He had to stop for fuel and was going to get a bite. Were we hungry? I think it had been two days since we'd last eaten.

While he fueled up, he gave me money to go into the truck stop to buy food for everyone. I bought sandwiches, chips, cookies, and one large piece of luscious chocolate cake. I went into the rest room and into a stall. I locked the door, sat on the toilet and pulled my feet up so no one would know I was there. I sat by myself and hurriedly devoured the entire piece of chocolate cake. I don't know why I didn't bring the cake back to the truck. I was furtive and afraid and desperate. I was empty. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. It would never be enough.

Fuzzyheaded but Fine

Nora and I spent yesterday afternoon with Isaa/Jane Siberry, but I think most of her loveliness went over Nora's head.

It's so loud! I know, honey, it's loud. What did she say? She said "booty". Why did she... Hush, honey. Is this the last song? No. Why is her hair like that? Shhhh. Is this the last song?

And on it went until it finally was the last song, and Issa/Jane, standing in a circle of light in a darkened former church, sang Calling All Angels. Toward the end of the song, the whole audience joined in to sing along. It was moving and sweet, and it even stilled my whirling dervish of a daughter.

During the concert, Issa/Jane talked about how selling her house and giving away most of her possessions a few years ago freed her and gave her energy back to her. I know what she means. This weekend I emptied boxes and boxes of kid detritus from the house and I did feel freer. I can see how my stuff is a weight on me. I think 2010 will be the year I pare down.

After the show, we all went to our friends' house for seafood and wine (too much wine) where we talked about parents, anxiety, Buddhism, neuroscience and I really can't remember what else. It was a late night and we're all a little hollow-eyed this morning, but I feel fine.


Here's a shaky video of Issa/Jane singing Calling All Angels. (I think it's shaky -- maybe it's me.) Close your eyes and enjoy.

My To Do is Done

The past few days have been some of my most productive in a long time. I completed a big project at work. I wrote a paper and sent it off with great relief. I cleaned, weeded and organized our playroom (which you couldn't even walk through there was so much kid stuff). I hosted a sleepover and sent the little darlings off to their own home this morning. I did 5 loads of laundry. I made squash-apple soup. You'd think I'd taken up a new meth habit.

But now that these tasks are done, I feel de-stressed.

I love taking care of business.

And I'm off to see Jane this afternoon.